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Alien vs. Predator: Requiem
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Review by T. A. Wardrope
 

Let me tell you, this new electronical stuff is not easy to get going. I put that little hole in one disc in front of the projector lamp and that didn’t do a damn thing ‘cept melt the hole so it was a little bigger than one of them holes you see in the latrine sometimes. Then I read something about how these videolar discs need a mirror to work, so I tore out a sliver of the ladies room mirror (there ain’t no ladies in here, no sir) jammed that thing in front of the lens and bounced that beam on over to the disc I had clamped onto the splice table. Did that bring the majesty of motion pictures to life? Hell no!

Long and short of it is, I wrecked that last stack of discs, so I had to wait for the next batch to get slid under that rusty old door (furthest to the left, if you please). So, that’s my excuse. I don’t care none for time but I know you all live and die by it, so to speak.

Speaking a dyin’. There was a bunch of clowns making quite a ruckus in the ole Hollywood a week or so ago. They was running around with all kinds of metal boxes, taking the temperature of some of my favorite sittin’ spots, (I tell you what – the heat ain’t on fellas!) and calling me all kinds of bad names. I tell you somethin’ – I grew up on the north side of fifth street – so there ain’t nothin’ I ain’t heard said and said meaner than these squirts could muster. Call themselves ghost hunters. Hunters? Hell, I am right here you don’t need to do no huntin’. I tried rattling some of the rafters but those jokers still couldn’t find me. Maybe next time I’ll wear one of them orange suits hunters are always popping off at.

I got this one movie here – The Orphanage – damn thing near spooked me. Not often that one of the folks in the short term side of the Styx get the dead thing durn close to correct. That movie had some ghost hunters init too, but those folks knew when to walk away and had some manners. Being dead ain’t about no twist ending (You know when you’re on the outside lookin in, kids.), and living folks always think it’s about them. Hell no! Dead is dead. You want to see how it is, then come on over and sit for spell with Hollywood Henry, but don’t go telling me how to cross-over, go to the light, or somesuch hocus-pocus. Fact o the matter is I got somethin’ to tell you.

Then there’s the Alien vs. Predator: Requiem flick. I tell you, that was a good old time. I hadn’t had so much fun since I saw The Blob in these hallowed halls. Well, I reckon I could just see The Blob again, but no one is giving me that on one of these discs. You got your army hero, your bad army guys, you got your slimy spiky things from space, you got a spreading infection – it’s a classic. Hell, I think they even took some pages from that old Blob script with them to the set (writers strike, I hear). Don’t get me wrong, fellas, I wasn’t scared – no way no how. I just get to giggling every time I think about it. Space monsters. (I tell you what, Charlotte down at the Brass Rail – now there’s a space monster!) Hah.

Speaking of writer’s strikes – who thought of the title for P2? I got a movie for ya - A1, or how about X0? Anyway, what living folks do to living folks is another funny one. Seems like you put two folks in a room together and sooner or later they’re going to get around to doing the dirty donkey or hittin’ each other over the head with the nearest pipe. Or both. It’s like the best part of life is over and they just can’t wait to get on over to the dead man’s party. This flick tells it like it is, and even shows it like is. Meat is meat, my friends. Don’t take much, well; it takes a full-size luxury automobile in this movie, to get you short timers back to brass tacks. I was laughing at this one too, but you might not get your chuckles. I suppose you all might say it’s thrilling. I can’t reckon how I could manage to keep watching two living folks chase each other around a parking ramp like Tom and Jerry for two hours, but I did. That’s two hours of eternal stasis in purgatorial limbo that’ll never get back – and it was worth it!

Speaking of limbo – got to go. There’s some local no accounts trying to redecorate the backside of my beloved theater. Bunch a dogs trying’ to mark up my best sittin’ spot is what they are. Boy do I got something for them – I got some ideas from the brethren in that Orphange flick The rest of you all, feel free to stop on by some time, just make sure you leave your bodies at the door! I don’t need no stinking meat putrefying the place.